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extrapenguinThis is a nonfiction book about appreciation that came out in January. The title translates to "I See You". I am 99% sure it's never going to be translated into English, but, well. It's very good! I liked the approach it took.
Broadly, it identifies a core problem – there is a chronic lack of appreciation in modern society – and divides its examination into three sections: Why appreciation is not given, Why appreciation is not received, and How to fix this. The definition of appreciation used is twofold: appreciation of achievements ("I am skilled") and appreciation of the self ("I am a lovable part of the community"). It's important that the appreciation be genuine and freely given.
Why appreciation is not given:
- people don't know it's important
- people think it would be too embarrassing (ei kehdata)
- people don't know how to do it
Why appreciation is not received:
- people don't verbalize their need/verbalize it counterproductively (e.g. accusingly "Why don't you ever..." or selfishly "Pay attention to meeeee exclusively")
- it's given in a way that doesn't work (fake, narrowing, judging)
- people don't know how to accept it (they don't dare/think it'd be too embarrassing, they don't want to be seen as needy, they don't want to be vulnerable, they feel they're worthless)
How to fix this:
- unconditional positive regard
- genuine and harmonious (actions do not contradict words)
- people generally need 3-5x as much positivity to balance out negativity
Through words:
- observation-feeling-fulfilled need (i.e. make an observation of what the other person did, then verbalize that, the positive emotion it made you feel, and the need they fulfilled in you)
- growth mindset (no point only praising perfection)
- words generally the easiest way to show appreciation
Through actions:
- showing trust, asking for help, gifts, paying attention
- let the other help and offer responsibility
- I ask for help = you like me more
- people grow into their responsibilities
Through appreciative togetherness:
- the hardest to fake and easiest to receive
- "feeling felt"
- even the smallest hiyas and byes, especially at seam moments
- gaze/eye contact, smiling
- listen and try to understand
- not an interview
- concentrate, listen, ask, thank (keskity kuuntele kysy kiitä)
In general, to see and be seen, one needs to show one's true face, not a mask. And one can always change one's environment, as not everyone will necessarily love the status quo.
The author also mentioned one truly amazing question posed to him at a workshop (I forget whether this was from his banker stage or psychologist stage): He was feeling extremely insecure and shy and it was extremely obvious. One of the workshop leaders talked to him at lunch and asked him, "Could it be that you aren't afraid of your insufficiency, but rather you are afraid to let out all that is good and beautiful within you?" ("Voiko olla mahdollista, ettet pelkääkään riittämättömyyttäsi, vaan pelkäät päästää esiin sitä kaikkea hyvää ja kaunista, mitä sinussa on?") and I thought it was such a beautiful question I had to write it down in my extremely abbreviated notes.
Broadly, it identifies a core problem – there is a chronic lack of appreciation in modern society – and divides its examination into three sections: Why appreciation is not given, Why appreciation is not received, and How to fix this. The definition of appreciation used is twofold: appreciation of achievements ("I am skilled") and appreciation of the self ("I am a lovable part of the community"). It's important that the appreciation be genuine and freely given.
Why appreciation is not given:
- people don't know it's important
- people think it would be too embarrassing (ei kehdata)
- people don't know how to do it
Why appreciation is not received:
- people don't verbalize their need/verbalize it counterproductively (e.g. accusingly "Why don't you ever..." or selfishly "Pay attention to meeeee exclusively")
- it's given in a way that doesn't work (fake, narrowing, judging)
- people don't know how to accept it (they don't dare/think it'd be too embarrassing, they don't want to be seen as needy, they don't want to be vulnerable, they feel they're worthless)
How to fix this:
- unconditional positive regard
- genuine and harmonious (actions do not contradict words)
- people generally need 3-5x as much positivity to balance out negativity
Through words:
- observation-feeling-fulfilled need (i.e. make an observation of what the other person did, then verbalize that, the positive emotion it made you feel, and the need they fulfilled in you)
- growth mindset (no point only praising perfection)
- words generally the easiest way to show appreciation
Through actions:
- showing trust, asking for help, gifts, paying attention
- let the other help and offer responsibility
- I ask for help = you like me more
- people grow into their responsibilities
Through appreciative togetherness:
- the hardest to fake and easiest to receive
- "feeling felt"
- even the smallest hiyas and byes, especially at seam moments
- gaze/eye contact, smiling
- listen and try to understand
- not an interview
- concentrate, listen, ask, thank (keskity kuuntele kysy kiitä)
In general, to see and be seen, one needs to show one's true face, not a mask. And one can always change one's environment, as not everyone will necessarily love the status quo.
The author also mentioned one truly amazing question posed to him at a workshop (I forget whether this was from his banker stage or psychologist stage): He was feeling extremely insecure and shy and it was extremely obvious. One of the workshop leaders talked to him at lunch and asked him, "Could it be that you aren't afraid of your insufficiency, but rather you are afraid to let out all that is good and beautiful within you?" ("Voiko olla mahdollista, ettet pelkääkään riittämättömyyttäsi, vaan pelkäät päästää esiin sitä kaikkea hyvää ja kaunista, mitä sinussa on?") and I thought it was such a beautiful question I had to write it down in my extremely abbreviated notes.