Unseen

[extrapenguin]

I've been feeling melancholy for – well. The calendar says it's almost December, the Christmas lights are up here, etc, but the weather says it's the start of October. And also, as it is still my first year in Paris, I have been basically sick nonstop. Last weekend I got the influenza or something.

Last year, I read a book that changed my life (or, at least, how I approach other people). The book's analysis of appreciation and how it is and isn't given thus lurks at the back of my mind; less "living rent-free" and more like a structural element.

My job is ... well. Theoretically, it's interesting. In practice, it feels like nothing I do matters – no-one admits to being in charge, the person I thought was my boss is too busy doing project administration paperwork to supervise me and has informed me that she's actually not my boss at all, I do not know who my boss is, and the piece of equipment I was promised would arrive in September has been delayed to February at best. I do not know who my boss is.

(Also this is not a job for a postdoc IMO? I really think they should've hired a PhD student instead, and only got a postdoc because they only have two years of funding...)

In short, the management is shit. I've tried giving feedback, but the problems with this group run deep, apparently, and also I'm not officially a part of the group. (The least wrong answer to "Where do you work?" is "It's complicated.") Like. It's one thing to be self-directed, but frankly, I feel self-employed, except with none of the good parts.

(Also Paris fucking sucks, y'all? Pollution so bad you can taste it, the sheer noise of the masses, all the grocery stores have more restrictive opening times than the fucking alcohol monopoly in Finland, and the locals are all "omg you live in the bad part of town???" my dude your entire fucking city is sketchy af! All of Paris is "the bad part of town"!)

Oh yeah and I've been suffering with bedbugs. I hired the pros the moment I found them, buuuuut I think they've been coming through the vents. I recently covered them with fabric (and duct tape), but ofc there's the residual population. I sleep with no skin uncovered so they cannot feed and multiply. I do a final sweep of visible surfaces before bed and exterminate all I can find. There are bloodstains on my ceiling and a hatred in my soul.

Comments

[pauraque]

I must have missed that book post before. A lot of the things in your summary are things I learned in couples therapy. It didn't do anything for that particular relationship (it was too far gone by that point, plus the appreciation thing only works if both people make a good faith effort to do it...) but it changed my approach to people in general as well.

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Not knowing who my boss was would drive me insane!

[extrapenguin]

Yeah, fixing a relationship requires investment by both participants, and if it's not there, then, well. It won't work. (And I think only trying to fix things when it's Too Late is a sadly common problem.) But at least you have some new tools in your toolbox from the attempt.