The Definitive Guide to Barrayar for Confused Betans (Vorkosiverse, T, gen)

[extrapenguin]

Title: The Definitive Guide to Barrayar for Confused Betans
Rating: T
Wordcount: 711
Synopsis: As written by ghem-Lieutenant Tarsem Rau
Bujold Ficathon 2013
Prompt: The Guide Book To Barrayar For Confused Betans (or Escobarans, Cetagandans, Komarrans, etc). (prompt from lannamichaels )

Barrayarans don't do any of that inferior “voting” activity; they sensibly have an Emperor. Not so sensibly, the barbarians don't have separate governing and warrior castes (watch out for collapse and/or invasion by the glorious ghem-Lords of Cetaganda!). (Then again, they are barbarians.)

So, all their governing business, as well as security and warfare, is handled by the same sixty Vor clans. Proles are also allowed into governing and warfare (the sheer stupidity of it is mind-boggling) though they have to actually be competent instead of be related to someone with a large gun. Proving that these smelly wild-type barbarians might have some hope yet is that they don't let women into government or the military.

There are sixty Vor counts, each of whom has a District and a large extended family (apart from the Vorkosigans and Vorfolses, we took care of them). All Vor are spheres of baseless privilege that will grow like goldfish until there is no more room for their growth. Then they'll backstab someone who's taking up space and grow some more. Vor prattle on about honor and so on and so forth, but really, their idea of honorable combat is shooting honorable ghem-soldiers in the back whilst pelting them with victims of infanticide!

All Barrayarans “hold their hands between someone else's”, since the poor barbarians are unable to make any lasting promises without physicality entering into it. That said, they don't break them very often. The Emperor is supposed to hold his hands between Barrayar's or some such idiocy. They should begin genetic engineering, then social superiority would be clearly and sensibly established by genetic superiority, rather than how good your barbarian grandfather was at murdering people with blunt objects. (Blunt objects are very unstylish. A true artiste uses pointy ones.)

Barrayarans, barbarians that they are, have four languages in active use. A member of a linguistic minority may gut you if you don't know how to speak his language. (It happened to one of my uncle ghem-General Milutin Rau's men during the War.)

Since you're Betan, I'll have to talk about sexual mores. My other uncle, Henn Rau, has written an article for Anthropology Today on homosexual conduct among Barrayaran men. If it applies, you might want to look it up. In any case, female virginity is highly prized, so attempting to seduce an unattached woman is likely to result in death-threats. (One of my uncle Milutin's men got killed for flirting with a Barrayaran peasant woman. He was avenged sevenfold, don't worry.) Any herms out there are liable to get killed for being mutants, like those gengineered horses my aunt Dasra made. Women who have sex are likely to be denigrated as “whores” (think LPST, except considered worhtless). It is probably possible to hire a whore (uncle Henn never tried, uncle Milutin isn't into barbarians, and no-one else I know has been to Barrayar).

The weather is sure to be crappy. My uncle Milutin mapped the Milankovitch cycles of Barrayar, and apparently for the next hundred millenia, the weather at Vorbarr Sultana is predisposed towards wretchedness by Barrayar's orbital mechanics. (See Milankovitch cycles of Barrayar by Milutin Rau, published in The Journal of Planetary Science, issue no. 638,826.) Pack rain gear and rubber boots – Barrayar has water in liquid format pouring down from the sky. Attempt to not let it offend your fragile Betan sensibilities. Dancing in the rain whilst naked is liable to get you arrested and/or raped, depending on your body parts.

 

Have a nice vacation and be sure to civilize the barbarians

ghem-Lieutenant Tarsem Rau

P.S. Uncle Milutin never had any of his men die in battle during his stay on Barrayar. All of his casualties were during times when he was examining ice cores and his men were left to their own devices. Just for your information.

P.P.S. This makes me superior to any and all Barrayarans. They get their men killed pointlessly

P.P.P.S. My publisher thought I should have a quote from a Betan and a Barrayaran: “Barrayar eats its children.” (The fact that I was able to satisfy both clauses with one quote is a clear demonstration of my genetic superiority.)