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extrapenguinNote: I don't read much in present tense, and thus am not by any means an expert critic in it. I am also feverish and headache-y, and more liable to expressing sentiments like "everything sucks" than usual.
The Alchemy of the Mind
It was, Dazhis knew, a most improper thing to do to conduct an experiment on an unwitting subject, especially when the experiment involved creating considerable distress.
I'd like for "a most improper thing to do to conduct an experiment on an unwitting subject" to have a comma somewhere. As-is, it's a bit breathlessly long, and as one of those people who "reads aloud" in their mind, I find that it distracts from the content. "most improper to conduct an experiment on an unwitting subject" perhaps?
The line signposts nicely that this is a Shitbastard Dazhis fic, yet also that he's interested in experimentation, which must be his common touchpoint with Cala.
Dazhis ran his fingers through Cala’s tangled hair, and planned.
The first reaction this gets is "This looks like something I would write!"
The second reaction this gets is "There should not be a comma in there. The comma should go hang out with its kin in the first sentence."
Otherwise, this is Dazhis doing a nice thing to Cala and showing that he's not all 100% shitbastard. Also, "plotted" would sound more ominous, if that's what you were going for. As-is, this reads a significantly lighter shade of grey than the rest of the fic.
Better Judgement
Does Cala have no sense of propriety, of personal dignity?
I found this jarring, probably due to personal discomfort with present tense. It's aggressive and in-your-face and it kinda brings to mind an aggressive piece of meta, for that's most of what I read in the present tense. It's the first-line equivalent of walking into a café and getting punched in the face. In other words: well done.
And as difficult and tense as all that was, Beshelar feels that their understanding has somehow deepened, that going forward they will better act in concert as partners and as friends.
A summary that states what would probably have been best left implied. Beshelar doesn't seem to be the type to reflect, and given that you seem to want the narrative to "live in the moment", use of the future tense detracts from that.
The second-last line, OTOH, would make a better ending line:
"Let us both consider it past," he says, and when he finally turns to Beshelar, there is no accusation in his eyes.
"there is no accusation in his eyes" is reasonably concluding, but this could be further concluded by having Beshelar agree and relax.
Airmail
The message Ranis carried, given to him that morning by the Lord Chenar for transport to Rosiro, was quite clearly a love letter to a mistress there, if the perfumed paper and the extra coin pressed into his hand to seal his lips were any indication.
Sets up the reason why Ranis is off to Rosiro. Functional, not very flashy. I, personally, would prefer to make it less homogenous either by splitting it in two, or by using em-dashes: The message Ranis carried – given to him that morning by the Lord Chenar for transport to Rosiro – was quite clearly a love letter to a mistress there, if the perfumed paper and the extra coin pressed into his hand to seal his lips were any indication.
The next time he landed in a shipyard city, he looked upon the workers with renewed sympathy, renewed anger at the injustice of their status, and he wondered if the world the pamphlet-writers spoke of so fervently would ever come to pass, and how it would finally come about.
Again, a long sentence. Here, the call-to-the-future works. It's also very useful in that it lets the reader imagine for themself what appealing messages and on what topics the pamphlets contained.
Past and Consequences
Cala had studied philosophy and the processes of the mind for many years.
One of those sentences I'd class as expositionarily necessary, but not flashy. The intro segment plusquamperfect works well for Cala beating himself up.
He could protect Dazhis from a spell gone wrong, but he could not, and knew he should not, protect him from the consequences of treason.
A bit too Very Special Episode/aesop. Rather Captain Obvious, too. Would be better suited as an overwrought line amidst others.
This fic as a whole really should've either been just the flashback imo, or elaborated upon the non-flashback things. As-is, it feels like the prologue and epilogue are tacked on, and steal the main bit's thunder.
Honor and Duty
In the wake of the deaths of Varenechibel IV and three of his sons, the Court at Cetho is thrown into an astonishing mess.
Sets the time period, sets the place, sets the tone upon which Beshelar is contrasted. Functional, works well.
Now, after months of treating his partner coldly, he will have to earn it.
Beshelar gets a realization/determines upon a course of action. The call-to-the-future works here.
General
See if you could break up your sentences more often – try to make sure your intro and outro paragraphs both have two sentences, that sort of thing. Perhaps try to do a heavily stylized fic where the sentence length is much shorter?
The Alchemy of the Mind
It was, Dazhis knew, a most improper thing to do to conduct an experiment on an unwitting subject, especially when the experiment involved creating considerable distress.
I'd like for "a most improper thing to do to conduct an experiment on an unwitting subject" to have a comma somewhere. As-is, it's a bit breathlessly long, and as one of those people who "reads aloud" in their mind, I find that it distracts from the content. "most improper to conduct an experiment on an unwitting subject" perhaps?
The line signposts nicely that this is a Shitbastard Dazhis fic, yet also that he's interested in experimentation, which must be his common touchpoint with Cala.
Dazhis ran his fingers through Cala’s tangled hair, and planned.
The first reaction this gets is "This looks like something I would write!"
The second reaction this gets is "There should not be a comma in there. The comma should go hang out with its kin in the first sentence."
Otherwise, this is Dazhis doing a nice thing to Cala and showing that he's not all 100% shitbastard. Also, "plotted" would sound more ominous, if that's what you were going for. As-is, this reads a significantly lighter shade of grey than the rest of the fic.
Better Judgement
Does Cala have no sense of propriety, of personal dignity?
I found this jarring, probably due to personal discomfort with present tense. It's aggressive and in-your-face and it kinda brings to mind an aggressive piece of meta, for that's most of what I read in the present tense. It's the first-line equivalent of walking into a café and getting punched in the face. In other words: well done.
And as difficult and tense as all that was, Beshelar feels that their understanding has somehow deepened, that going forward they will better act in concert as partners and as friends.
A summary that states what would probably have been best left implied. Beshelar doesn't seem to be the type to reflect, and given that you seem to want the narrative to "live in the moment", use of the future tense detracts from that.
The second-last line, OTOH, would make a better ending line:
"Let us both consider it past," he says, and when he finally turns to Beshelar, there is no accusation in his eyes.
"there is no accusation in his eyes" is reasonably concluding, but this could be further concluded by having Beshelar agree and relax.
Airmail
The message Ranis carried, given to him that morning by the Lord Chenar for transport to Rosiro, was quite clearly a love letter to a mistress there, if the perfumed paper and the extra coin pressed into his hand to seal his lips were any indication.
Sets up the reason why Ranis is off to Rosiro. Functional, not very flashy. I, personally, would prefer to make it less homogenous either by splitting it in two, or by using em-dashes: The message Ranis carried – given to him that morning by the Lord Chenar for transport to Rosiro – was quite clearly a love letter to a mistress there, if the perfumed paper and the extra coin pressed into his hand to seal his lips were any indication.
The next time he landed in a shipyard city, he looked upon the workers with renewed sympathy, renewed anger at the injustice of their status, and he wondered if the world the pamphlet-writers spoke of so fervently would ever come to pass, and how it would finally come about.
Again, a long sentence. Here, the call-to-the-future works. It's also very useful in that it lets the reader imagine for themself what appealing messages and on what topics the pamphlets contained.
Past and Consequences
Cala had studied philosophy and the processes of the mind for many years.
One of those sentences I'd class as expositionarily necessary, but not flashy. The intro segment plusquamperfect works well for Cala beating himself up.
He could protect Dazhis from a spell gone wrong, but he could not, and knew he should not, protect him from the consequences of treason.
A bit too Very Special Episode/aesop. Rather Captain Obvious, too. Would be better suited as an overwrought line amidst others.
This fic as a whole really should've either been just the flashback imo, or elaborated upon the non-flashback things. As-is, it feels like the prologue and epilogue are tacked on, and steal the main bit's thunder.
Honor and Duty
In the wake of the deaths of Varenechibel IV and three of his sons, the Court at Cetho is thrown into an astonishing mess.
Sets the time period, sets the place, sets the tone upon which Beshelar is contrasted. Functional, works well.
Now, after months of treating his partner coldly, he will have to earn it.
Beshelar gets a realization/determines upon a course of action. The call-to-the-future works here.
General
See if you could break up your sentences more often – try to make sure your intro and outro paragraphs both have two sentences, that sort of thing. Perhaps try to do a heavily stylized fic where the sentence length is much shorter?